This is a journal of mine that I keep about Jessie

Jessica Rahne Mathe

Jessica Rahne Samida

Born-April 30th, 1994/Canoga Park, Ca.

This file will contain a record of the thoughts, hopes, dreams, observations, and things we will want you to know when you are old enough to read and understand the meaning of these words.

From Daddy-7-2-95/Cyn. Ctry., Ca.-You are sleeping right now, after a while of being fussy. It is hot, maybe that's why you are crabby. You are the most beautiful, well behaved, precious little girl any daddy in the world could ever want. I have been meaning to start this file for about a month now, but I had to have someone come over and teach me how to use this bloody computer. It will probably be something that is second nature and easy to you. Now that I've gotten started though,I hope to fill this whole thing up!
As well as thoughts from Mommy, Grandma, Aunt Patty from time to time (she doesn't live too close). You are walking around now very well, though you do occasionally take a tumble. You are at the age where every thing is new to you, and you have the ability to reach out and grab it(as long as it's only two feet high!). I am trying to teach you the words uh-oh! when you drop something. You can already say Dadda and Mamma, Hi, and you have a set of lungs on you that set decible levels! I don't know how you can scream that loud! But you only do it when you want attention-which is often now. You took your first steps on Easter Day 1995. We were so proud of you. Nearly every day, either me or your Mom are amazed at the things you can do. You are learning to catch a beach ball that Grandma got you, you seem to have so much fun with that ball! Since you were around 6 mos. old you have slept through the night, I can only hope that when you have kids that they will be as adorable as you. Like every parent, I have high hopes for you. I hope to instill the values that I have learned in my time and I will always be there for you if you have any questions. I love you with all my heart and soul and wish only good things come your way.

7-14-95 From Daddy... Several days ago, me, Mommy and Grandma went to Castaic Lake, Ca. to see the 4th of July fireworks show. We got there a few hours early and all you wanted to do was walk around and see everyone! There were lots of people there and you wanted to meet all of them. You started to fall asleep when the fireworks started, but we woke you up so you could see them. You were in your car seat to keep you still ('cause it was dark), and you watched in fascination at the brightly lit night sky. The loud booms were a little much for your ears though, so when they came, I put my hands over your ears. Everybody had a great time. The following weekend, we all went to the park in Newhall, Ca. to see a live oldies band. Again, we arrived a little early to get a good spot, and all you wanted to do was walk around. Mom and I took you to the baseball field next to the park to let you run around to your hearts desire. When the music started, you were bopping and dancing-you were so darn cute. And you know how to clap your hands, so when everyone else did, of course you did. You seem to like getting out of the house and being outside, that's good. A lot of fresh air is bound to be good for you. And it always seems to tire you out! Well, I'm down here in the muggy, hot garage, so I'm going to get upstairs to the nice air conditioned house. I'll write more soon. Daddy loves you.....

5/25/96-Hi sweetheart, I know it's been quite a long time since I've written anything to you, please forgive me. You are such a big girl now, I'm so proud of you! You are trying very hard to talk now. You try to repeat most of what mommy and me say. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes not. But the point is you are doing your best. And thats all anyone can do. You are with mommy now in Lancaster visiting Marsha and Logan. Mommy called me today and said you were riding a goat! You were also chasing the chickens and playing with Cody. You probably don't remember Cody, he was our dalmation dog. But he was too rowdy to keep in the apartment we were in so we had to give him to Marsha.

5/28/96 Mommy is here and so is Grandma, we are just trying to learn how to use this computer so we can do different things. You will probably be a whiz at this, these things should be in all the schools by the time you are ready for that. You will probably be the best in the class. But even if you aren't, we will love you just the same. Being our first born, you will always hold a special place in our hearts. You had you're second birthday not too long ago, there were lots of little ones here for you to play with. Grandma got you a swing set that you just love, and you got some clothes too. You also got a bigger pool than the one you have, but we haven't set it up yet. We also had a pinata that was filled with candy and a doll too. You also had a ice cream cake that you just loved! I just put you nite-nite with some warm milk to warm your tummy. You usually sleep all through the night, I guess that's unusual for young kids. But then again, you are special. Well honey, I guess that's it for tonite, It's late and Daddy has to get up early for work. I will try not to let too many days go by before I write to you again, o.k.? Just always remember, we love you with all our hearts and always will...

5/21/2000 Dearest Jessica, I miss you with all my heart and soul, my little angel. I live California now..you are in Oshkosh, Wi. with your Mom and her husband. Your Mom and I broke up when you were just 5 years old. She promised to let me see you as much as I could, but when we broke up, she decided not to let me see you. I can't comprehend or fathom her reasoning for this decision Jess, all I know is that not a day goes by that I don't think of you and my heart breaks because I can't be a part of your life, your smiles, your accomplishments. I know there is a 5-year gap between entries here, let me explain. When we moved to Wi. from Ca., I didnt have a computer to write to you. I finally got one, and had to transfer the info from a 5 1/4" disk to a 3.5" floppy. Now I can add to this.I have an album full of photos of you my darling. I look at it often, remembering your laughter and your smile. I also have voice recordings on my computer of you! So I can hear you each day, saying you love me... I am going to do some other things now Jess, I'll write more later.. love you!

2/07/07 Jessie, I hope some day you Google your name so you can reach this site and see who I am. I now live in Missouri, in Springfield. I have been here since 2001. I met a woman online and after a few months of phone calls, I moved here to be with her. Her name is Christine. Your Mom won't have any contact with me or Graet Grandma. Grandma and Grandpa have died. Grandpa just died Jan. 26. 2007. You are now 13 years old! I have missed all your accomplishments baby...I wonder what kind of person you are now. There is not one single day that passes that I don't think about you and wonder where you are, who you are and if you are happy or not. Sweetie, if you see this site and want to call me, my number is (417)368-0021. You can also email me baby, my email address is batt59@yahoo.com. If I move or change my number, I will update this page so you can always find me if you want to. I miss you terrible honey and hope that you are a bright, intelligent, fun loving teenager with lots of freinds. I love you Jessie...

3/28/08 It is almost your birthday agian sweetie, you will be 14 years old next month! I hope you have a fun filled day with all your freidns and lots of presents too! As always, you are never, ever far from my thoughts, actualy, I had a dream last night and you were there with me again. I woke up smiling but sad too, because I knew that I could not give you a hug for real. I miss you Jessie, please, someday, get in touch with me. I love you with all my heart...

My pretty little angel, how I miss you, your sweet voice, your angelic smile, the sparkle in your eye...I talked to your mother on may 30th, I had some bad news, your grandma died on may 29th, 2002. she had a lot of physical problems and they could not find out exactly what was wrong, they tried various medications but nothing helped. She had trouble breathing may 29th and your great grandma called the ambulance. The ambulance had grandma in the back and she had heart failure and passed away. Your aunt patty and I went to Pittsburgh to help take care of things there. I saw a lot of relatives that I hadn't seen in years and it was a sad time for all. I was one of the pallbearers along with your grandpa. Now Jessie, I am using grandma and grandpa as you knew these people, you now have new relatives but I think your first are your memories too. My mom loved you so very, very much jess, she would have given anything for you as I will if you ever need me. I am now in Missouri with a lady whom I love and plan to marry..her name is Christine. Though I don't write in here often, know in your heart that I think about you every day. Your mom said she would send me school pictures of you but she hasn't yet. I bet you are beautiful Jessica. I have lots and lots of computer stuff now honey, I am in school too, learning technology. I want to get into 3D animation someday, make movies and films. So far, I have gotten all A's baby! I have been on the president's list 3 quarters in a row now. I wish you were here so I could help you learn Jess. Well, I guess I'll go for now Jess, I'll be back with more of my thoughts later..I love you with all my heart still...

Click below to listen to Jessie